A Father's Blessing

it's 26 years ago that John Trent and
Gary Smalley first published their
best-selling book the blessing some of
you undoubtedly have read it it's proven
to be remarkably popular in the enduring
in the passing or intervening years it
was reissued back in 2011 as an updated
and a revised edition and I believe that
one of the reasons that it has been so
consistently popular especially among
Christians is that it gives voice to
that age long cry first echoed by Esau
so many years ago when his brother Jacob
stole the blessing of the firstborn and
he cried out bless me to my father there
are different versions of it this
version says bless me even me also o my
father as Neil Campbell pointed out I
think so very capably last week the
difference between a life that is
successful and a life that often in
tragic Lee can be attributed to the
presence or the absence of a parental
blessing in a person's life particularly
the blessings of a father and what we
want to try to do this morning and the
time that we have on this Father's Day
is try to summarize the five components
of blessing that Smalley and trend talk
about in their particular book last week
of you were here Neil Campbell pointed
out the seven areas or the stages of
life when blessings were especially
needed he talked about conception he
talked about birth he talked about
infancy
puberty marriage adulthood and when we
reach the senior years each phase of
life being a particular phase where
blessing is particularly critical if you
are not here last week I would encourage
you to listen to that message it's
online at our church website you can
listen to the whole service or you can
listen to just the message this morning
then what I want to do is talk about
what those blessings consist of and
Smalley and Trent have identified five
particular components of blessing that
are very important for us to understand
and to communicate to our children the
first is meaningful touch meaningful
touch I will never forget a number of
years ago a young couple stopped by
absolutely and totally freaked out the
reason for that is that they had been
driving along the road together he was
driving it was his car she was in the
passenger seat but all of a sudden she
reached over grabbed the steering wheel
and tried to steer the car into the
oncoming traffic only by wrestling the
steering wheel away from her was he able
to prevent a head-on collision as you
could imagine he was freaked out but so
is she because she didn't know where in
the world this came from kind of hinders
your dating life when those kind of
things happen as you might imagine so
they came to see me and as we begin
talking about their lives a little bit
it became very evident in which she had
been a very young girl she had been the
apple of her father's eye he
played with her he was physically
affectionate she would sit on his knees
they would roughhouse as fathers and
children are our wanted to do and all of
this carried on until she reached
puberty and when she reached puberty
suddenly he dropped her like a hot
potato she had no idea what was going on
or what happened and what it did was
just totally confuse her now I've never
met her father but I can wager a pretty
good guess as to why it was that
suddenly he dropped the relationship
with her that he had had previously I
think he couldn't handle her budding
sexuality he was afraid of himself I
suspect he didn't know how else to
handle it but to cut her off completely
but what it did for her is it made her
wonder what's the matter with me I'm
becoming a woman is there something
wrong with becoming a woman his absent
affection shamed her sexuality and her
her blooming identity and so as a result
she turned elsewhere for a comfort and
what are those places that she turned
was the world of darkness and it
literally and truly was a demonic
presence in her life that had made her
almost kill the both of them throughout
scripture a meaningful touch is a very
significant component of blessing our
children and notice the operative word
there is meaningful and meaningful means
it's for the good of the person it is
for the other person's benefit and it's
appropriate to the occasion we all know
of people whose physical affection
is not to bless the other person but to
take from them we all know stories of
the slimy uncle whose kisses are sexual
or whose hugs are unclean in that of
course does more damage than good but we
live in a world where we have become so
afraid of abuse in people crossing lines
that now more and more we have
generations of children who do not
experience affection for fear of
somebody being accused inappropriately
and so rare is the school teacher today
who can afford to show physical
affection to a child even though often
those children will need it and I can
tell you that unless we as fathers and
mothers fill that need in the lines of
children they will find somebody else
and that somebody else will be a young
man or a young woman for whom the
sexualization of physical touch becomes
a way of filling that hole that has been
left in a person's life meaningful touch
is the first component of blessing
second component of blessing is spoken
words spoken words we're all familiar of
course with the saying sticks and stones
may break my bones but words will never
hurt me and we all know that's a lie
because most of us will remember for
good or for ill words that have been
spoken over us that have lodged deeply
in our minds and that continued to play
like an old tape whenever they get
triggered some of you perhaps will
remember a story that I've told you many
years ago colleague of mine a
hard-working pastor
one who rose up into leadership
positions in the denomination who
discovered at one point that he was
being driven by words spoken by his
mother when he was a young boy what had
happened to him is that he could no
longer sustain the pace at which he was
trying to live his adult life and he had
a nervous breakdown the nervous drape
breakdown led him to a counselor's
office in the counselor's office as they
begin to talk and pray about what had
happened to him what came back was
effectively a curse that his mother had
pronounced on him in a moment of
frustration many many years ago he was a
young boy who wasn't terribly motivated
and she would repeatedly tell him that
he was lazy to the core somewhere along
the line that penetrated into the very
depths of his heart and he spent most of
his adult life trying to prove that what
his mother had said was not true and so
he worked himself into a nervous
breakdown all because of the tapes that
were running in his head the book of
proverbs puts it this way death and life
are in the power of the tongue and those
who love it will eat its fruits those
who love it will eat its fruits what
that means is that what you spit out is
going to have consequences not only for
the people that you spit it out upon but
it's also going to come back and impact
your own life as new Campbell pointed
out last week if the father had to say
to Jesus this is my beloved son with
whom I am well pleased how much more do
our children need to hear from you and
me that they matter and that they are
important that is the second compose
end of blessing our children but as a
third component and that's very closely
related to what I just said the words
that we speak must express high value
and I would add they must be based on
truth we live in a world where the art
of praising children has reached
unprecedented proportions you've noticed
that have you not if in previous
generations children were to be seen but
not heard in this present generation
children dominate the scene and I never
quite know whether it is parents own
insecurities or a reflection of the fact
that they were not praised in their own
lives we now live in a time when the
pendulum has swung so far the opposite
way that praising our kids even under
the most unlikely of circumstances takes
the cake and so Johnny comes home with a
little cartoon drawn in school and he's
the next great Picasso and Susie she you
know sings an off-key song and she's
going to be the next American Idols with
her in fact if you've ever watched that
show or other talent shows you will know
that every so often just to make a point
they will feature not the best but the
worst you've seen that have you not and
you say to yourself why hasn't somebody
told them you cannot sing and why do you
want to embarrass yourself in front of
the whole television audience it is
beyond my comprehension that said we
need to be able to speak the truth to
our children in love and what that means
is that we must not only speak words of
value but we must speak words of value
that are true to what our kids are
are and to where they find themselves we
must be realistic in our encouragement
and in our praise and this is where as
Christians we have I think a tremendous
advantage over people who aren't
Christians because as Christians we can
testify to the fact of God's
unsearchable riches in Jesus Christ
regardless of the abilities or the lack
of abilities that our children have in
the natural in Christ there are the
resources and the gifts that God makes
available and you and I as parents we
need to have an eye for what God has
been doing in the lines of our children
and then we need to be able to speak
into that with words of encouragement
and hope you are as we just sang a few
moments ago a child of God you are no
longer a slave to fear you may have been
born with you know the worst jeans in
the world and you may have been born
with nervous wiring that is all
backwards and life may be exceedingly
difficult for you but God in Christ is
there and he cannot only empower you to
move forward but when you fail he could
also help you to receive forgiveness and
make a new beginning in my book all of
shoots around your table and a lot of
you have read it some of you perhaps if
not I tell the story of a young lad who
was left in charge of his father's
greenhouse father had to go away for
something or another and the father had
told the Sun listen it's going to be a
hard day I want you to make sure that
you open all the windows because if you
don't the temperature is going to rise
and the plants are going to be destroyed
boy promised he would do that but you
know how it goes sometimes with young
lads he got preoccupied with a whole
bunch of other things and later on in
the day his father comes back
the first thing he says to his son is
you did open the windows and the
greenhouse did you not and the kid goes
oh my goodness I did not color drained
from his face and then from his father's
face when it became clear that this had
not been done in agonizing haste the
father drove over to the greenhouse with
his son all the way over there the boy
just kept apologizing I'm sorry dad I'm
sorry dad I'm sorry his father didn't
say anything but his face spoke volumes
sure enough when I came to the
greenhouse their worst fears were
realized they walked into that place and
the temperature inside had risen to a
phenomenal 146 degrees Fahrenheit every
last one of the more than 46,000 plants
ready for market were fried to a crisp
the economic consequences for the family
would be devastating not only was the
crop lost but it was too late in the
season the plan to do on now I don't
know about you but put yourself and that
father shears what would you do and what
would you say probably not suitable for
church conversation I suspect but here's
the thing that so impressed me about
that story the father faced with a
colossal financial loss due to his son's
negligence turn to his son after
surveying the damage and said son you've
made a mistake I know you were sorry and
I forgive you I'll never mention it
again and true to his word
that's what he did he never ever
mentioned it again now that is ascribing
high value to your kid even when they
have just seriously messed up and I
think only a person who knows God's
forgiveness in their own heart can even
come close to communicating that kind of
value to their children when they have
messed up so badly so number one we need
to let your review we need to I should
know this because I I wrote this down
myself Thank You Stephen meaningful
touch secondly spoken words words that
express high value and then number four
we need to picture a special future now
what our son Michael was young he would
come up with these incredibly grandiose
ideas of projects that he wanted to
build my memory serves me correctly
correctly it went from a snowmobile to a
hovercraft to a helicopter we're not
talking about toys just to be clear here
we're talking about the real thing and
he would have been somewheres eight or
nine or whatever that age was and I
remember being so frustrated as a father
because you want to encourage your kid
you want to help your kid but you also
want to know that that is totally
unrealistic neither he nor I could ever
pull that off and we'd have these
conversations and I'd say Michael we
can't do it and then I'd go back feeling
guilty because what kind of
father are you when you're always
criticizing his brilliant ideas anybody
ever been there well that's the way we
had to leave it but what it taught me
was this these were an indication of a
mindset that was very bent towards the
mechanical and as the years have gone by
and that gift has grown and matured in
Michael's life this day there isn't a
piece of equipment that he is not afraid
to take apart and most importantly able
to put back together because that's
quite another track and make it work
again and if you think I'm bragging
about my kids I am because I'm proud of
all four of my kids and our
grandchildren because they're precious
and they're valuable not only before go
on but in the eyes of their mother and
me as their father and here again is
where as Christian parents we have an
incredible advantage because we know
from Ephesians 2 that we are God's
workmanship created in Christ Jesus to
do good works which God has prepared in
advance for us to do and what that means
is that our children by virtue of their
birth by virtue of their place in Christ
Jesus that's why it is so important for
them to commit their lives to Christ
there is a plan and purpose that God has
for them from before the foundation of
the world and God prepares them for that
partly by the gifting that he gives them
naturally the experiences they have in
life and the supernatural gifting of the
Holy Spirit which if they yield to him
will flourish in their hearts and in our
lives and you and I have the privilege
and the opportunity of picturing for
them a
purpose rooted in the purposes of Christ
because what's God's destiny for all of
his children it's the rain over the new
creation it's to be faithful stewards as
we have been seeing recently of all the
gifts that God has entrusted to us so
what an opportunity for us to say to our
kids in Christ as you yield to him the
sky is indeed the limit within the
context of his wheel for your life now
notice how different this is from the
talk that you find in the world
increasingly where people are told well
you can be anything that you want to be
which is absolutely door nonsense
because you cannot possibly be
everything that you want to be but in
Christ what Christ has destined you for
what he has gifted you in what he has
empowered you with that you can reach
and that we can hold up before our
children in a way that is God glorifying
and empowering number five active
commitment to help them a law it isn't
good enough to just have a meaningful
touch spoken words being valued highly
are having a special future pictured we
need somebody to come alongside us to
help us Gary Smalley in the book the
blessing tells the story of how
throughout elementary school math was
his weak subject and that became his
undoing in high school when he was
failing geometry I got to thinking do
they even teach geometry anymore in
school today is that isn't it kind of
all rolled up into what do you call it
today math is just everything thrown
together is it not the only thing that I
remember of geometry is hypotenuse
squared
equals side squared and other side
squared do you recall that say it again
a squared plus B squared equals C
squared that is the most useful piece of
geometry that you can find because it
helps you build straight corners that
are properly squared that's what I
remember anyway he was having trouble in
geometry in part because the teacher
that he had was bound and determined to
prove so it seemed to him that he wasn't
able to do geometry very well in fact
this teacher and this blows my mind
arranged the seats he placed the
students in order of their grains so the
good students were at the front and the
back bad students were all of the back
and every time you grade change your
seat changed now that's maybe really
motivating to some my suspected was
terribly shaming to some other people
well in the wisdom of the school
administrators that teacher went to the
new one took his place and this new one
had a very different attitude this new
and says if anybody in this class fails
geometry than the blame lies equally
with me and I am committed to making
sure that at the end of the year you all
pass this course and so he went out of
his way to help to encourage he tutored
during class after class sometimes on
weekends played sports with them at the
end of the year surprise surprise
everybody in the class pass geometry
when half of them had been failing
previously and Gary Smalley who had
always felt like a failure in math got
his first straight A in math ever and
that's so encouraged him that when he
went on to college later on he took a
math minor and what that shows you is
what we all intuitively know
we need somebody to believe in us
somebody to evaluate us realistically
and then somebody to pour their
resources into us to help us move
forward and that of course is very much
the job not only of a mother but also
especially of a father and one of the
sad consequences of the breakdown in the
family today is that fathers
increasingly are not doing that job in
part because in many places they're
simply not there I ran into some
statistics this past week that I think
are just mind-boggling let's see if I
can find them here this is particularly
true the black community in the United
States but it's increasingly true across
the board Hispanics as well as
increasingly white folks people who are
raised without a father or a father
figure are five times as likely to end
up in poverty nine times as likely to
drop out of school and 20 times as
likely to end up in prison and to show
you the perspective of this back in
nineteen sixty only five percent of
children were born to unwed mothers by
1980 that figure these are united states
figures but they wouldn't be much
different in canada by 1980 eighteen
percent of children were born to
unmarried imams by 2033 percent and by
2015 forty-one percent isn't that an
astounding figure in the black community
it's even worse in the united states in
the year twenty
15 seventy-three percent of black
children are born outside of marriage
and then we wonder why our children join
gangs we wonder why so many boys are
only motivated to play video games or
join gangs see if the blessing isn't
there we look elsewhere for those
blessings and if they don't come from
home where are they going to come from
now that's not to say let's be very
careful that single moms can be very
good parents and can have a lot of
blessing or that broken families are
destined for the garbage pile not at all
in Christian community or family to each
other and i love these scriptures the
promises of God to his children Psalm 27
10 though my father and mother forsake
me the Lord will receive me and Psalm 68
verse 6 God sets the lonely in families
he leads for the prisoners with singing
god is a god of redemption and if we
will come to him in our places of
brokenness and with their need is more
than a wall to turn the curse into
blessings and to change our lives and
that of our children and our children's
children remember the promises of the
Covenant run to a thousand generations
of those who fear gone so here's what
we're going to do in a moment I'm going
to ask all the men and all the boys in
this place to stand and we're going to
pray for three things I know we did some
of this last week but it won't hurt to
do it again this week first of all I
want us to think him for the blessings
that we have received through our
fathers even bad parents
and I know there have been parents who
have been very neglectful even bad
parents will deposit some good in our
lives that we can be grateful for
secondly we're going to surrender to the
Lord places where we have been deprived
of blessing I've been around in the
church world long enough to know that
whenever you start talking about these
kinds of things it triggers places of
loss in grief and sometimes what's so
many of us take for granted and
sometimes what for so many of us has
been a normal part of life only stirs a
deep sense of loss as people come to
life and those losses we have to
surrender to the Lord and ask him to
heal them and then the third thing we
want to pray for is forgot to restore
those places to restore the years the
locusts of each n so that the broken
cycle of the generation stops with us
and we can in fact impart to our
children and our children's children
those things that we had not received in
life because God has redeemed us through
faith in Jesus Christ so every man every
father we're so grateful and we said
this before in the service but we'll say
it again we're so grateful for every
good thing that we have received from
your hand we've all been born of mothers
we've all been begotten of fathers and
while there may be things over the years
that we have lacked or that we have felt
we lacked we have also received the gift
of life and we have also received a
measure of protection and a measure of
provision
and so lord in his father's day as we
celebrate fatherhood it's our prayer
that you will remind us of the good
things that we have received it's it's
so easy in the middle of the pain to
concentrate on that and to forget that
which was good so help us to see our
fathers as you see them flawed and
broken perhaps but still originally
created in your image and help us lawyer
to honor them for giving us life and
then father there are those places where
as we come to life and as we reflect on
these things we remember the pain
sometimes it's the father who was an
alcoholic or a father who was abusive or
who just didn't see us didn't care about
us and left us very much on our own and
Lord part of us we've just justified
that we have explained it is normal
that's just who he was and he was busy
and all kinds of other stuff and all of
that may even be true but Lord of our
honest we've been hurt and that hurt has
impacted us it's made us close off our
hearts it's made us cut off very deep
feelings in its impacted relationships
with our own spouse and with their own
children and even with people around us
and we've had to be tough in places
where maybe really our hearts
weren't that tough and so father we pray
that you help us to get in touch with
that and to grieve those losses and to
ask you to heal and to restore years of
the locusts of Eaton and then father we
pray that you renew us in those places
because it's hard to give love when we
haven't received it and it's hard to
know how to do relationships
appropriately when we have not learned
or seen it modeled and so Lord we out of
places of brokenness Lee it's often more
about us that about our children or our
grandchildren and father we confess that
we have all sinned and fallen short of
your glory and we confess that we all
need to be led and empowered by your
Holy Spirit and so father we give you
our lives of fresh we thank you for the
privilege of having children and raising
children and many of us having
grandchildren as well and we pray that
as a community in its families we can be
there for each other in ways that are
redemptive and healing to the end father
that our households may indeed be
households of faith we pray this in the
name of the Lord Jesus by the power of
God's Holy Spirit and all God's men
you